


Semicolon

by TheGreenMeerkat



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's Complicated Just Read, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, None of Our Boys Died Don't Worry, Past Character Death, Semicolon - Freeform, Virgil's Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 11:04:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16554578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenMeerkat/pseuds/TheGreenMeerkat
Summary: He wasn't hiding the mark on purpose; if the others saw it, they probably wouldn't know what it meant.But Logan knows.“A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to." -Amy Bleuel





	Semicolon

**Author's Note:**

> My first LAMP fic, in preparation for the multi-chaptered one I'll be writing soon!
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of suicide, mentions of death
> 
> This ending is kinda... sad? But the boys are okay, they get their happy ending. You'll have to read it to understand

    He started doing it sometime after the Christmas video.

    He knew about the symbol long before then, but he never felt like he… earned it? There was this feeling to the marking, one of pride and strength. It said that, despite the odds against you, you fought through everything that plagued you and made it through, alive. It said that you were brave.

    And, well, Virgil didn’t feel very brave. He didn’t really have a choice to stay or not, with how his temporary absence apparently affected his host. That’s not why he stayed, though. He was selfish, all he wanted the approval of both Thomas and the sides. He didn’t even care if it was fake, or all out of pity and tolerance. He just wanted, for once in his cursed life, to feel accepted.

    He really didn’t believe it was real at first, but Christmas brought a new light. It was the first holiday season that Virgil wasn’t alone, worrying about Thomas buying gifts for all his friends and the inevitable, exhausting family gatherings. The videos didn’t even highlight the best parts for Virgil. It was at night, all of them huddled on the couch (practically in each others’ laps), watching old Christmas specials that Virgil secretly loved.

    However, It was the tiniest detail, the most mundane and unimportant thing that made Virgil draw the semicolon for the first time. In any other situation before that incident, he would have been on the end - or not on the couch at all. This time? He was sandwiched in between Patton and Logan. In fact, before he even had a chance to take his preferred spot, Roman and Logan had already claimed both edge seats without any complaints. When Princey ever-so-slightly smiled at him, he was sure it was planned.

    When the others all fell asleep on the couch, Virgil discards himself from Patton’s arms and immediately went to his room, conjuring up a Sharpie. That night, he changed the meaning of the semicolon in his head; it wasn’t there to say he was brave and strong, but instead that there were things worth keeping on for.

    (When he was done, he moved back to his spot in the living room. He wouldn’t want to worry the others by disappearing, after all.)

    The fact that he put it on his wrist didn’t actually mean anything. He’s just seen people put it there in pictures, and that made the most sense. He knows some prefer placing it on their neck, but Virgil didn’t tend to like things touching his neck, especially not a wet marker.

    He didn’t ever mean to hide it. Not the first time, not the fourth time, not even when he stopped using the marker and simply conjured it onto his skin like a tattoo. He just didn’t like showing skin. It was just a bad habit kept from teen years when he used to be covered in blemishes and zits - he was also almost  _ always  _ cold.

    In retrospect, though, he realizes that maybe it’s a good thing the symbol has stayed hidden. If the others knew what it meant, and he doubts they would, then they would start asking questions.

    He didn’t realize the sides didn’t know what Virgil truly meant by “ducking out” until Logan finally got curious.

//

    “Virgil.”

    The former dark side just about jumped through the roof of his own room. “Geez specs, would it kill you to knock?” It made sense that, at first, none of the sides knocked because he didn’t have a door. But now that Roman had added it, there was absolutely no reason for Logan to warp himself in.

    “Apologies, Virgil. I merely have a question for you that I have been rather curious about this last year and a half.” 

    “Wait, you waited a year and a half to ask me a question? Why?” Virgil’s heart was beating fast suddenly, afraid  and excited to hear what this question could be.

    “Yes, well, I had to wait until Patton gave me permission.” Logan rolled his eyes behind his glasses. “He told me it might be… impolite, to ask too soon after…” Logan trailed off, something he rarely ever did. It took a moment, but Virgil finally realized what happened about one and a half years ago and immediately felt tenser.

    “Get to the point, L.”

    “Right, yes.” The logical side decided that was an invitation to sit next to Virgil on his bedside. “Virgil, where exactly did you go when you, as you called it, ducked out?” (In the back of his head, he heard a voice say ‘quack’ that sounded very familiar.)

    Virgil ignored the fact that a chill crawled up his spine from the memories. His confusion from the question, thankfully, kept him from thinking about it. “The Subconscious. Where else would I have gone?”

    Logan’s eyes furrowed at that. “Why would you go there? I’ve never even been there intentionally. How did you know that it would separate Thomas from you?”

    Oh.  _ Oh,  _ they didn’t know. How would any of them know? It was the dark sides who spread the rumours about what could happen if you go in there. What  _ had  _ happened.

    “Don’t ever go in there,” Virgil warned. He knew that Logan’s curiosity could get the best of him. “Look, I’d rather not talk about it. Ever. Sorry.”

    Logan did not question him any further.

//

    He finds himself smiling just slightly at the memory. It wasn’t because he was fond of it, but he was fond of what he was feeling back then, less than half a year ago.

    It was only a couple weeks before they all got together, after all.

    Yet, still, none of them know what really happened so long ago, and none of them have seen the semicolon on his wrist. If they knew, they would all feel guilty, and Virgil doesn’t want any more guilt. It’s been almost two years now!

    Despite that, he tends to forget it's there, especially on a hot summer day in Florida.

    A year ago, probably even months ago, he would have bared through the heat with his hoodie on. Ice packs underneath were always an option, but if he really had to take it off, he would just lock himself in his room (it was always colder in there, anyway). That, however, wasn't an option anymore. Today was a well-deserved relaxation day for the four of them, and no one was allowed to hide away for these days.

    Not only did he end up taking off his hoodie, damn him, but he rolled up the sleeves of his shirts as well.

    “Ooh, what's that little symbol on your arm, V?” Patton was the first to notice it, currently sitting close to him while they all watched Disney/Pixar movies (they would have been cuddling if it weren’t for the heat).

    Virgil immediately felt his heart rate increase at the mention of it. At first, he instinctually moved to cover it with his hand, but he moved it away almost immediately, deciding that would be a bit too suspicious. Everyone was looking at him now, too. “It’s just something I did a while ago. Nothing special.”

_ They don’t know. There’s no way they’d know what it means. Where would they hear it from? Where- _

    While everyone else moved on, Logan was staring at him. “Virgil, may I speak with you for a moment?”

_ He knows. _

    When Virgil nodded in response, the logical facet stood up, slapping off imaginary dust from his clothes. He moved to the anxious side’s spot on the couch and extended a hand. He took it gratefully, getting himself up and preparing to follow Logan, but was surprised when he didn’t let go of his hands. It was a small gesture that, despite the panic coursing through Virgil’s veins, made him smile just slightly. Logan wasn’t one to initiate touch, but he was getting better at it.

    He was led to the hallway, far enough away to where the others wouldn’t be able to hear them. He was expecting Logan to jump right into the conversation as always, but he was surprised to find hesitation there. “...Virgil, what does that semicolon mean to you?”

    He couldn’t just  _ say  _ it, could he? Part of him wanted to spill out everything. He wanted someone to finally understand what really happened all that time ago, everything that led to it and everything that followed. Part of him hates that his own boyfriends don’t know his history, don’t know anything of what happened to him as a kid that shaped him.

    Maybe, just maybe, it was time to breach the surface?

    “Do you know what it’s supposed to mean?” Test the waters, first. How much could Logan know? If Thomas has ever simply passed over an article about it, then Logic could have, potentially, retained the information. If anyone knew…

    “A semicolon is used when an author could have ended the sentence, but didn’t.” Logan took in a shaky breath. He knew. “Those few months ago, you never told me what happens in the Subconscious.”

    Virgil was terrified, yes, but he needed to tell his tale. He needed at least one of them to finally know, even if it meant bringing unnecessary guilt to them. “Logan, let me tell you a story.”

    When Logan, simply looked at him, curious and waiting and somewhat scared, Virgil swallowed a lump in his throat and continued. “When Thomas was only about seven, there was a dark side who went to the Subconscious to escape.”

    “Impossible,” Logan interrupted already. “We surely would have noticed.”

    The anxious side shook his head. “Just let me tell the whole story. The dark side didn’t make much of a difference in Thomas as a kid, but it was just barely enough for the other dark sides to notice his absence. When they went to the Subconscious to investigate, he wasn’t there anymore.”

    “Virgil…”

    He raised his hand up to cut off Logan. “But the Subconscious is not a nice place to be for dark sides. It’s a constant push and pull of begging you to stay and hoping for you to leave. It shows you past, present, and potential futures. None of them stayed for long, but when they came back, they found the missing side.

    “Except he was different. He was much more simple physically, no longer having the extra details most dark sides did. Deceit went to question him, but he didn’t have any answers. He knew his function, knew who Thomas was, but didn’t recognize the faces of anyone in front of him.”

    “He was reset?” Logan asked puzzledly.

    “Possibly, but probably not. He had a name separate from his function name that he already knew, but it wasn’t the same name as the first one.” Virgil breathed in deeply, then let it out in a sigh. “So the theory spread that the Subconscious, if you’re in there for long enough, can not only separate a side from Thomas, but kill them in the process. And a new side with the same function will be made by the mindscape in a sort of homeostasis process, I guess. Every dark side knows this story. I-I went in there knowing what would happen.”

    “I…” Logan's eyes were wide in panic as he took in a shaky breath. “Virgil, I didn’t- I didn’t know that it was-”

    “It’s okay, Logan. No one did.” That probably wasn’t as reassuring as he wanted it to be, but the situation was making him increasingly uncomfortable and he couldn’t quite think of what to say. “It’s all in the past. Why should it matter now?”

    “You- you could have-” The logical side suddenly went silent. It was something he tended to do in highly emotional events. He still doesn’t quite know how to communicate his feelings, but he doesn’t have as difficult of a time showing them anymore. When he sees a tear roll down his cheek, Virgil immediately decides that is  _ not  _ allowed right now.

    “No, hey, come on. There’s no-” He decides not to say ‘there’s no reason to cry.’ That’s just something you don’t say to someone who used to be so emotionally distant. Instead, he moves to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, and Logan immediately returns the embrace desperately.

    “You could have  _ died,  _ V,” he whispers into Virgil’s shoulder. “N-none of us would have ever known what happened. We nev-never would have known everything you’ve been through. We never would have gotten to see you happy, n-never see the real you.  _ God _ , Virgil, we were so blind.”

    “Lo, it’s-” The darker side realized too late that tears were now coming from his eyes as well. “I’m okay now. It- It’s in the past. We’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.” It’s strange to think he ever could have wanted to leave. He’s finally grown so used to being genuinely loved by these sides, how could he ever think to leave them anymore?

    Logan pulled away, just enough to wipe away his own tears, then placed a hand on Virgil’s cheek. “Dear, I’m not saying you have to do it now, but Roman and Patton need to know what happened eventually.”

    “No, no. I’ll-” The anxious facet sniffed, wiping away the rest of his tears as well. “I’ll tell them now. I need to get it out. Just stand by me, okay?”

    His hand was taken by the analytical side once again. “Of course.”

    Hand in hand, they walked out of the hallway and back in the living room. Roman and Patton were still watching a movie, cuddled up together on the couch, but they perked up once the two returned and stood in front of them.

    “Virgil, Logan!” Patton exclaimed. “You two were gone for a while, what’s- have you been crying?”

    Virgil felt his heart rate increase once again. Logan seemed to pick up on his newfound tenseness and squeezed his hand in reassurance. No one knew everything, but it was a reminder that the darker side finally wasn’t completely alone in the memories that brought him down. “Virgil has something he needs to share.”

    With a deep breath, Virgil told them everything. He didn’t retell the story about the boy, but he told his story. He told them what the Subconscious could do, he told them of the many, many times he was so close to doing it. He told them what the semicolon means.

    Before he even had time to register the reactions in the room, he was being engulfed into a hug.

    By Roman.

    Who was  _ sobbing. _

    “Virgil, darling,” Roman was practically whimpering, clinging desperately to the back of his homemade hoodie. It was the kind of hug you would give to someone who you were afraid to lose, or someone you hurt. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know. Please,  _ please  _ don’t ever leave us.”

    “Roman, come on,” Virgil noted he was choking up, hating to see his boyfriend wrapped up in that guilt again. “You’re gonna make me cry again. We’ve talked about this, we were both idiots back then.”

    With that, Roman moved off of him and cupped his cheeks with a watery, loving smile. “You’re so brave, love. Please don’t ever forget that you didn’t deserve anything you had to face back then.”

    Brave? He certainly never thought of himself as brave, be he guesses only the prince would know what true bravery was.

    Seeing that Patton was right beside him, clearly wanting to show Virgil love as well, Roman moved to the side to let him in. The father figure immediately wrapped the darker side up in a warm, comforting embrace, less tight than the other two he received today - the only word he has found so far that properly describes a good Patton Hug™ is “home.”

    “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.” Patton’s voice, though not weighed down by sobs, was still slightly heavy. He was definitely crying too, just a little bit. “You have no idea how much we love you.”

    “I-I think I’m starting to get the idea.” Morality backed away enough to reach up and place a sweet, chaste kiss on Virgil’s forehead, lingering just long enough to get the point across. They all tried their hardest, but Patton was always the best at communicating love in any form.

    Group hugs were shared between them, all forgetting about the heat of the day. Soon enough, they all agreed to move back to the couch, cuddle, and watch some of Virgil’s favourite movies. (He tried to convince them that he’d be happy with any movie, but they all remained stagnant. He’s also pretty sure Roman purposely turned down the temperature in the imaginary room so cuddling could be an option, but no one said anything.)

    By the end of the night, Roman fell asleep on the armrest of the couch, Virgil’s head on his chest, and Patton was snoring curled up on Logan’s lap and head on Virgil’s legs. He couldn’t tell if Logan was still awake until he felt a tap on his shoulder, from him.

    “Yeah?” He whispered, not wanting to wake up his two sleeping boyfriends.

    “The boy in the story, the second one,” Logan said, cautious. “He was you, wasn’t he?”

     Of course, Logan always figured it out. “I used to be mad at him. I used to hate him for making me take his place, and I didn’t even know him.”

    “And now?”

    “Now I wish we could have both gotten our happy endings.”

    The semicolon wasn’t the only marking he had on his body. On his chest, right above his heart, was the name of the brother he missed, yet had never met.

    “Edmon.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes from someone who draws a semicolon on their wrist every week. To all my readers out there who have done the same, cheers to you.


End file.
